


A Winter Lie

by moonriverwaltz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Hurt, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, i honestly don't know how to tag hahaha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 14:42:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16557704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonriverwaltz/pseuds/moonriverwaltz
Summary: Jisung rethinks his relationship with the man who saved his life.





	A Winter Lie

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning there is a small part at the end of sucidal thoughts, depression and so on is mentioned but nothing in detail. theres also a suicide attempt that is mentioned but again nothing in major detail
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> sorry if this is very messy ive havent written anything like this in a while and the more i think more it the more insecure im getting about this story. hopefully u enjoy it but rn i just think it sucks

He stared at the boy next to him, smile as bright as the sun as always. However, it wasn’t directed at him. His heart lurched out at the scene in front of him. He felt so disconnected as if there was a screen in between them but there wasn’t as he looked down and saw his hand intertwined with the boy next to him.

 

“Jisung ah”

 

Jisung looked up at the boy next to him, light no longer shining through his eyes, smile now slightly stiffer.

 

“yea?”

 

“Maybe you should go home first you seem tired...”

 

The younger man nodded and let go of the former's hand.

 

He grabbed his bag and trekked back home thinking of past memories. The lamps on the street illuminating his walk in the cold night. The smile that used to fill him with warmth, now directed at another. The sight leaves him feeling colder than ever before.

 

 _Perhaps it was time, time to let go and move on._ His heart stopped at that thought. He couldn’t lose Hyunjin. Never Hyunjin.

 

He continued his walk to their apartment, stopping right outside the gates and looked up to spot their window. It felt so far now

 

\--

“Jisung! I found an apartment!” Hyunjin screamed after he slammed his door open.

 

The man’s eyes widened

 

“Wait really??"

 

Hyunjin nodded quickly and shoved the phone into Jisung's hand.

 

Jisung stared at the screen and then stared at his boyfriend before being tackled onto the bed.

 

“Do you know what this means? We can finally leave this crap house! Finally just us alone”

 

Jisung clung back and smiled into his neck, tearing up at the thought of a fresh start.

 

Hyunjin let go for a moment to look back into Jisung’s eyes before pressing his lips against the other’s

 

His lips as always took Jisung’s breath away. Now more so than ever with the good news.

 

Passion flared in Hyunjin, as he pushed further into the kiss. Jisung feeling short of breath tried to pull away but failed due to Hyunjin's weight on him. So he quickly pushed Hyunjin off him to the side. Sitting up and breathing heavily, he turned to glare at the boy beside him, but it quickly faltered. Hyunjin had his signature smile on his face, eyes like crescent moons.

 

Shifting slightly, Hyunjin pulled Jisung down next to him to cuddle, his eyes trailed down to the latter's now slightly swollen lips. Grinning at his work, he brushed Jisung's bangs to the side.

 

"One day, I'm going to kiss you so much, you would finally have a top lip"

  
Jisung's face turned red, whether it's from the promise of a hard makeout or from the tease no one knew, but he hit Hyunjin's shoulder in retaliation.

  
Hyunjin yelped back and pouted. Rubbing his shoulder, he moved back closer and peppered kisses all over Jisung's face as an apology.

  
Picking up the long-forgotten phone, Jisung said, "We should probably message them now so we can confirm the deal before it gets snatched up by someone else."

  
“It’s late, they would be asleep and be annoyed that we woke them up. We’ll do it first thing tomorrow.” replied the older.

 

Jisung smiled in agreement and put the phone down to charge before snuggling closer to his partner. It was hot but he didn’t care, he felt all the positivity in the air and the happiness radiating off both of them for once.

\--

 

 

That memory hit Jisung like a truck as he stared at their window. It was one of the happiest days of his life, a rarity, unfortunately. He felt this force preventing him from continuing his journey into the house. So instead he continued his walk towards the nearby park.

 

Perhaps tonight he just needed a walk.

 

He walked until he found a bench, sitting down and freezing for a bit from the cold seat.

 

He looked up and breathed out seeing the steam created by the difference in temperature.

 

Maybe we jumped in too fast. We were too young to know any better.

 

He closed his eyes and remembered the day they first met.

 

 

\--

At the time it felt like complete fate. The way they met.

 

It was on the internet but it still felt like fate. Love does that to you, makes you believe the way you met was due to the universe, that it was special.

 

It came from Jisung being added into a group chat he forgot he said he wanted to be added into and Hyunjin accidentally being added into the group because he recently talked to the admin.

 

On a day Jisung felt like oversharing with the world because he had no one to talk to. He posted a rant about the pain he was in at the time. To him, posting this was screaming into the void. The void that made him feel positively alone. No one really cares, the most one would do is comment saying he could talk to them. But he never took that chance, it was weird and also tiring to explain everything from step one.

 

However, this time was different. Hyunjin saw the post, he saw the pain the frustration and decided he wanted to message the boy. They got along swimmingly on the group chat. Another reason was… he understood his feelings. He knew it too well. So he messaged him, knowing how alone someone can feel, knowing how even though someone screams into the void, there's always a part of them wishing someone would hear it and come to them. This time he won’t be the one in need to comfort but rather the comforter.

 

When Jisung received Hyunjin’s message it was unexpected. It was hoped for but still unexpected. It wasn’t that special but it just hit him in some way. It was a coincidence that day he just had enough. That repression was no longer an option. His glass was utterly full. So he spilled. He spilled every single thing. All the pain. All the tears. All the frustration. He felt comfortable for some reason.

 

Tears streaming down his face and he punched the words into his phone. He knew what he was doing, he was using this man like a wall to scream at. But he needed it and he offered anyway so he continued. In the end, he felt both lighter and drained at the same time. Like he finally has let go but the exhaustion from holding all of it together hit him like a brick. He felt his eyelids lower, feeling his phone vibrate but his exhaustion took over, telling him to check on it the next day.

 

His eyes cracked open 4 hours later and he immediately regretted everything. He just spilled his heart to a man he barely knows. At the same time, he felt absolutely gross, with a dirty face from dried tears and a dry mouth from all the water lost.

 

He then gets up to wash his face and to drink some water. It helped sometimes, to make him feel better. He looked at the replies he got from Hyunjin.

 

“Thank you for telling me all these things. I know how hard it can be to open up so thank you. You are probably sleeping right now, please grab some water to drink, you need to replace all the water you lost hahaha”

 

He stared at his phone, _what kind of person thanks you for being used to scream at?_

 

Jisung felt guilty though, so he apologised and threw his phone on the bed before getting ready to start the day.

 

Hyunjin replied later on and the conversation made a strange turn into weird random things.

 

Jisung decided he wanted to learn more about this guy, he could joke around easily with the man but he didn't actually know him. So they talked and talked and talked, leaning more about each other's likes and dislikes. Hyunjin loved the cold and everything about it. Jisung could barely stand it without bundling himself up like a marshmallow.

Finally, it was Hyunjin's turn, his turn to be the comforted not the comforter. Hyunjin just felt pushed towards telling Jisung his troubles, troubles with his family, with everyone. When Jisung first read everything, he was shocked at the similarity between their lives. A fact that later on that would be laughed at by both of them in a sad way. Everything escalated after that. They talked every single day, dreading their distance, wishing they could talk to each other face to face. But alas, they were in different countries, Hyunjin in Korea and Jisung in Malaysia.

 

They did everything to feel closer though, they told each other what they were doing that day, sometimes taking photos or videos. They facetimed as much as they could but life did get in the way of that most of the time. Their problems didn’t disappear though. Finding someone to share the issues with didn’t make the issues disappear even if it may have made coping easier.

 

One day Jisung cracked.

 

He honestly didn’t see the pressure he was under. Comes with your basic reaction to everything being repression. He was calm though, just like the first time he tried this. He decided to write letters. Letters to show he cares but he just couldn’t take it anymore. Letters to make sure no one blamed themselves for what happened to them. Letters to say what he wanted to be done to him and his belongings after. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you saw it, there was no way to write a letter to Hyunjin other than their private chat.

 

This gave Hyunjin a way to stop him, and he did. Not without its troubles. Not without threats. Not without tears. But Jisung was stopped and that was all that mattered.

 

The days after were filled with confusion, pain and repression as usual. But as always his family pretended everything was ok after.

 

Hyunjin saved Jisung. And Jisung felt guilty for ever putting him through that. Everything escalated, everything became worse. But Hyunjin stayed the same. Hyunjin helped him through everything. He still felt like shit, so did Hyunjin. Hyunjin couldn’t stay strong all the time and Jisung didn’t want him to. So they both fell, both leaned on each other for support. Both kept thinking of the other for survival.

 

Until they both fell again. But this time for each other. One would see this and talk about how toxic it was. Of course it toxic, perhaps it’s a delusion both on their parts. Comparison with their other relationships, most would say this was healthy. They finally find someone who understands them fully, who wants the same things. There was too much dependence though. Way too much. One couldn’t live without the other. If the other died, so would they. But it was what kept both of them alive so who was complaining.

 

They planned out their future taking notice of the others wants and needs. It was too early for this sort of thing but they didn’t care. Jisung convinced his parents to let him go to Korea for university. Once they said yes he rushed to message his beloved.

 

They still had kinks to work out. Jisung had to live in a crap shack called the university dorm because they refuse to do any improvements or even fixing. But everything for once felt a bit alright. Jisung was finally escaping and everything was going to improve.

 

How naïve.

 

\--

Jisung chuckled at the memory. He truly was naïve to think everything would work out like a happy ever after. He escaped his family but Hyunjin didn’t, and even with the distance, he was forced to contact his family twice a week and every holiday he had to go back to Malaysia. The apartment was a god sent because it meant getting Hyunjin away from his family. They could finally be open about their love in a home they both shared. But even then their issues didn’t end. They needed the other to take care of them and that just wasn’t healthy. Jisung couldn’t always be there for Hyunjin and vice versa.

 

Both got paranoid about what the other was or was not doing. Hyunjin was a very popular man and seeing him taking care of others always set off a fare of jealousy in Jisung that he pushed down knowing how irrational it was.

 

Jisung wasn’t as popular but he had a very cheerful persona as a cover. A cover he hated using at home which made Hyunjin misunderstand. At any time one of them was legitimately happy, the other felt he had to push his negative feelings away. Problems just stacked and stacked. Before Jisung knew it, he lost Hyunjin. Not completely, physically he was his but not emotionally. Not anymore.

 

It happened during one of Jisung's worst bouts. Jisung was depressed all the time. He didn’t blame Hyunjin for seeking out positive energy for a breath of fresh air. That positive energy was Mr Kim Seungmin, a mutual friend of theirs but closer to Hyunjin. He knew what Seungmin thought of him. Or maybe he doesn’t and he is overthinking, at this point of his life who knows. He also knows Seungmin would never actually make a move on Hyunjin until he was single.

 

But he couldn’t lose Hyunjin, he was still everything to Jisung even if Jisung wasn't everything to him. And Hyunjin knew this which was why he didn't leave, hasn't left. Jisung knew he shouldn’t be so selfish, he knew he should let Hyunjin go, for his own happiness. He should put Hyunjin’s feelings over his. But if Hyunjin leaves he would have no one.

 

He would die.

 

Perhaps he should die. Jisung stared up into the blank night sky, the stars nowhere to be seen. It would make things better, free up Hyunjin for Seungmin. No longer a burden for him. No one would miss him anyway... They would probably be happy.

 

He shook his head vigorously as if to clean the thoughts away. He promised Hyunjin not to think this way. He knew he was in denial. He knew what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to break up with Hyunjin so he could be happy. But even the thought of it broke his heart into tiny pieces.

Sighing, Jisung stood up and brushed himself off. It was late, he had to get back.

 

Jisung opened the door to see Hyunjin pacing around the house.

 

“Where were you?! Why didn’t you answer your phone?! Do you know how worried I was?!”

 

Jisung spewed out a small apology before being hugged by the other man. It felt good to see he still cared no matter how fake it was.

 

He pushed himself away from the warmth of the man and muttered that he needed to shower.

 

With the warm water hitting his head, coating him in heat as a cover for his cold broken heart. He decided with a finality

 

_All my life I’ve had to deal with the hard truth, I’m allowed to live this beautiful lie._

**Author's Note:**

> this story was honestly not what i expected to write. i simply felt like writing some angst but it weirdly changed into something else  
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> another thing, you can see it as hyunjin and jisung mistaking their love and affection for each other as romantic love as both of them were so desperate for something like that and obviously it didnt work out
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> or you can see it as them actually being in love with each other but as time passed, hyunjin couldnt take the burden of caring for jisung alone and turned to someone else. hyunjin still loves jisung but as a friend and is so scared of losing him so wont break up with him. jisung still is very dependant on hyunjin so wont leave him either.
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End file.
